Chevy, Ford, Dodge, Hummer Custom Police Cars

You know that AM General Hummer you just went sailing by? The one with a light bar on the roof and police insignia on the door? Well, it takes 20 seconds to hit 60 mph and meanders through the quarter mile 2.1 seconds later at a staggering 61.8 mph. If the officer at the controls is patient enough, the Suburban.Commando will trundle its way to an electronically limited top speed of 85 mph-at which point it will have roughly the momentum of a runaway caboose, but none of the directional control. Watch out.

We're telling you this because Hummers are a vehicle that enforcement agencies nationwide are considering as potential patrol vehicles. Or at least they were last year when the Michigan State Police conducted its annual police vehicle evaluation program.

You see, every year, the MSP gathers cars and utility vehicles with patrol potential and runs them through a gamut of instrumented tests. And it drives them hard. Testers in the MSP's latest evaluation lit brakes on fire, overheated transmissions and even nuked a CV joint in their efforts to gather performance data. We're guessing the drivers probably did a few a doughnuts.

One year, a car even "took the fence," according to Lt. David Halliday of the Precision Driving Unit, which conducts the test. We're not sure what he means by "took the fence," but we're guessing that in a territorial dispute of this nature, the car was the victor. Another time, testers ripped out an axle. (Anyone else remember "American Graffiti"?) Most importantly, every year the MSP sorts out how fast the cars and trucks of America's law enforcement agencies really are.

The MSP has been testing patrol vehicles since the 1950s, according to Halliday. It's clear it takes the job seriously. The MSP's annual report, which is available at www.justnet.org, is used by enforcement agencies worldwide to determine which vehicles are the best for the money. And since enforcement agencies often have to live with vehicles for 100,000 miles or more, they want the best they can get.

"In law enforcement, it's not a question of whether we can break it or not," says Halliday. He claims it's not unusual for officers to thrash an allegedly indestructible piece of equipment in minutes without even trying.

Clearly, the major players in the patrol vehicle game are the big three. Traditionally, law enforcement vehicles come from Detroit and are powered by a pushrod V8 driving the rear wheels, but times are changing. In recent years, test vehicles have come from Volvo and even Subaru, which in 1998 ran its Outback sedan and wagon through the MSP test. We think Subaru should give it a shot next year with the Baja.

The candidates for 2003 included the Chevrolet Impala, Dodge Intrepid, Ford Police Interceptor (which is a Crown Victoria gussied up for police work) and the aforementioned AM General Hummer.

Speaking of the Hummer, don't worry too much because the MSP's testing shows that it stops in an average of 170 feet from 60 mph. That's 57 feet longer than the last Lancer Evolution we tested, which isn't bad, considering it weighs as much two EVOs and a 1953 Kelvinator refrigerator. The shortest stopping car in the test, the Chevrolet Impala, stopped from 60 in 133 feet, which is 9 feet shorter than the last Honda Civic Si we tested. The moral of this story? Even the pathetically underbraked Civic Si stops shorter than an SUV weighing as much as two Japanese sedans and an antique icebox-combined.

It gets better. As if created as a shrine to automotive mediocrity, the candidates this year averaged 12 seconds flat from naught to 60 and could only muster a group average of 18.3 seconds through the 1320. Their underwhelming trap speeds ranged from the hilarious 61.8 mph (Hummer) to the mildly deplorable 85.0 mph (Intrepid). The slowest car Sport Compact Car has ever tested was a tired, old 1995 Honda Civic DX with 17-inch chrome wheels, which hit 60 in 11.6 seconds and ran the quarter mile in 18.1 seconds at 75.4 mph.

Sure, the heavier-than-thou Hummer drags the average down considerably. The cars, cruisers if you will, aren't really that bad. After all, the V6-powered Dodge Intrepid, which was the quickest of the group, hammered the tarmac to the tune of 16.98 seconds at 85.0 mph. It even hit 60 in 9.1 seconds-about the same numbers as a stock Ford Focus ZX3.

The data from the 2003 test can be misleading since it doesn't include the quickest car the MSP has ever tested-the Chevrolet Camaro. Even the law enforcement world mourns the loss of the Camaro this year. However, Camaros are still in service with respected and influential agencies like the California Highway Patrol.

In 2002, the Camaro B4C special service package was only available with a four-speed automatic transmission. Don't think that makes it any less potent. The Camaro impresses with the same subtlety as editor Oldham after a day-old plate of huevos rancheros. It hit 60 in 5.69 seconds, zipped through the quarter mile in 14.14 seconds at 102.48 mph and only stopped accelerating when GM's lawyers hit the electronic off switch at 159 mph. See, even the cops aren't allowed to run about all willy-nilly. Go ahead, try to outrun this one in your Civic.

The MSP also ran the candidate vehicles through handling tests at Grattan Raceway Park in Belding, Mich. Grattan is a two-mile, 13-turn natural terrain road course. In 2003, the MSP used four drivers to put each car through 32 timed laps. With the exception of the Hummer, the lap times were remarkably close. The quickest car tested in 2003 was the Ford Police Interceptor, which ran a 1:41.66, followed closely by the Intrepid (1:42.07), then the Impala (1:44.25). The Hummer was 16 seconds back. In 2002, using fewer laps to determine an average time, the Camaro lapped in 1:37.14-significantly quicker than any of the other vehicles.

There's a lesson here, too. Next time you go blasting past a patrolman at double the speed limit, you better hope he's driving a Hummer. 'Cause you've had it if he's in a Camaro.

Actually, you're screwed either way. Even the Hummers have radios, and there isn't a car on Earth that can outrun the old Motorola.

*Data from 2002 MSP police vehicle evaluation program